Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

That’s incredible! 👌

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage