Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
*exercises sarcastically*
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
english majors be like furthermore
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.