Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Ok but actually

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?