Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]