Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guilty! 🤪

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster