Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
That’s it.I’m out.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
#titanic
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…