Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.