Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
tell em, edith-anne
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family