Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when revenge coincides with naptime

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

Mornin

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

This hospital has everything

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

these two trucks have the same bed length