Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
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Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Spotted in the wild
