Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
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[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]