Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
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“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Fights fire with marshmallows
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.