I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life