Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.