Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.