Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

*launders Kohls cash*

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn