I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
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You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”