Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff