Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
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If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Noah
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”