Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
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My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
S O O N
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl