former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
applying for a new job
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
