Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.