former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
