Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sin harder.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

They got a point!

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.