Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

Beards are a privilege, not a right

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”