Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

🤣🤣

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.