Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
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Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
