Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
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Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’