Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
You Might Also Like
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized