It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
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Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Well played, Sky Comedy. Well played.
Joan of Arc was sainted but I’m the only person in our house who replaces the toilet paper and nobody says a word.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham