Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
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Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal