Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

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It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.


Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it


I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.


How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”


How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.


Joan of Arc was sainted but I’m the only person in our house who replaces the toilet paper and nobody says a word.


Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham