don’t be scared
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Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
smartest karate player in the world
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.