Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?