[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
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Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Bear knowledge
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
me when the borders lift
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
awesome draft from months ago i just found
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast