Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
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Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
How many calories are in Twitter beef?