FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Some people were born into their job.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.