FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
had to share :’)
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.