FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…