Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!