Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
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I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
🔦🌙👣
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza