Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

Me: *no longer going in for a kiss* I’m so sorry, I think I misread this scenario

My driving instructor: no worries brother

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”