Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

buying dead houseplants to save time

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.