Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
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My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
aesthetic
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
channeling her this year
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.