Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.