Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
🙄😏😂🤣
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…