Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?