Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car