Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia