Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

My work here is don’t.

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I