Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

LOL

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.