Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Breaking news:

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Netflix and scream at our children?!

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

😂😂