Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
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Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Nothing.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27