Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.