Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.