Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
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She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.