Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs