Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
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(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse