Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.