[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
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My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit