[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
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Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.