Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
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This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Air conditioning – not a fan
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo