Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel