Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I were this cool 😂

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.