Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…