Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting