Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
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I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?