Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
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glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.