Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…