Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.