Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

bad news gang

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

[adds another nod to the conversation]

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”