FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
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GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.