Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.