Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
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Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Venn
So creative 😂
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck