Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
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Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
wish me luck lads
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”