Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.